Title:A Future, Inside…

Rating:PG-13

Type:Story (Chapter Three of… many!)

Genre:Angst/Gothic/Adventure

Disclaimer: Okay, we’re at number three! So… First of all, I owe everything (and I mean everything!) to CJ!

Second, the rating remains a theoretical one. Also, the story is still being told by Lena herself, reflecting upon her past.

Finally, Yulia is getting closer, I can feel it! (Yes!) Just a few more chapters… (this story could end up being quite long!)

As always, please remember that this is a work of fiction, and is not intended in any way to be an overtly accurate representation of Yulia or Lena! (Yulia will feature in a future chapter, promise!)

Chapter 3:

Falling. So fast. I could see the clouds, as if they were an ocean of silver sifting through the sky. I could still feel myself falling, even faster now. The air around my ears was like a screaming banshee, my hair whipping against my shoulders violently. And yet, I was calm, serene. I plunged into the silver ocean, my eyes agape in wonder. Glistening wisps of silver engulfed me, and I suddenly felt as if I was drowning in candyfloss. Only it wasn’t sticky, but smooth and moist. I could no longer see where I was going, and I didn’t seem to care. I could taste the damp atmosphere in my mouth, feel it on my skin, and it was refreshing, enlivening. I opened my mouth wide, wanting to taste more of the fresh dew. As I felt it on my tongue, I could almost see the pulses of energy flowing through my body. My ravaged hair seemed to glow with vigour, and all along my spine each sinew seemed to tingle with flourishes of vitality. It was as if I was diving into the ocean of utopia.

I finally breached the clouds oceanic surface, and found myself in open air once more. I glanced up at the hole I’d made, in the clouds, and wondered why it was so big, and such an odd shape…

As I seemed to fall ever faster, I could now see the ground below me, like a mosaic of confused colours and distorted intentions, illuminated by a soft shade of midnight blue. And yet, still, I was not frightened, or even worried, and that confused me. Buildings and fields appeared like fractals out of a puzzle. And still I fell faster, the air buffeting my entire body, sending me this way and that, like a rag doll tossed from heaven by an ungrateful cherub. Gardens, streetlights, and even people appeared to me now, as the banshee in my ears threatened to deafen me. The air seemed to change colour, and my arms felt like they were burning from within. As I turned to look at them, I could see they were drawing contrails through the sky. And now I threatened to outpace light itself, as the concrete pavement rushed towards me…

“What!?!” I exclaimed, almost jumping out of my bed. As I sat there, panting heavily, I tried to focus me eyes, but there was nothing to focus on. It was night, and I was in my newish bedroom, the same room my mother used to call her own, or at least my father told me as much. I myself don’t remember. Situated beneath the house, so as to completely avoid the Suns fatal gaze, the room was darker than the recesses of a dead mans heart. It was almost as if my eyes had been doused with black ink. The murky void I was now in made me feel weightless, devoid of all gravity and physical self.

And yet, the darkness did not scare me, since I could not see anything, not even myself, there was nothing to be scared of. What scared me was the question that had woken me from my confused imaginings. I gulped heavily, my lungs begging for more oxygen. “What… happened? Why… no… fear?” I gasped, still trying to catch my breath. Falling back onto my bed, too exhausted to stay upright, I pondered the nature of what I had just seen. So confused was I, that I couldn’t even tell if it had been a dream or, worse, a nightmare. If it had been a dream, it was a dream like no other dream I had before. But if it wasn’t, if it was, instead, a nightmare, then my soul was in decay…

The mere thought of it terrified me, but it was not something I could deny, even to myself. In my vision, I had surely been in the throws of my final ecstasy but, there was no pain, no fear, and no regret. The question remained, “Why wasn’t I scared???” I asked myself, over and over, for what seemed like forever. There seemed only one solution, and I resented myself for thinking it. Somewhere, in the depths of my fragile young essence, I wanted the macabre freak show that had become my life to end. I wanted all my longing, loneliness and confusion to cease. I wanted to leave the aching, ethereal, untreatable pain that twisted through my tiny heart behind. I wanted, to die.

It was more than a death wish, for only a suicidal creature would give themselves so openly to their own destruction. A bittersweet tear of remorse streaked my face gently, and rested upon my lips, like a scar from within. “Could I be… so calm, at the moment of my own demise?” I asked the murky silence, hoping I would never know the answer…